SITCOM WITHOUT LAUGHTER REEL
Another week in British politics, another episode of a long-running tragicomedy known as “Government.” The show that nobody asked for, with the scripts that just keep getting worse, and yet, like all truly wretched TV soaps, we just don’t seem to be able to switch off or choose something more enlightening instead.
Mandelson Meltdown
Determined to prove that “integrity” was more than a word he occasionally says out loud, the PM decided to appoint Lord Mandelson Ambassador to Washington. Because nothing says “new politics” like sending the country’s oldest backroom fixer to represent us in the land of steaks and spray tan.
Unfortunately, Mandelson’s old emails popped up and suddenly it turned out that being mates with Jeffrey Epstein is not a great look. Who could have guessed?
Cue emergency debates in Parliament, much hand-wringing and a PM insisting that this was totally unforeseeable: truly, no one could have predicted that hiring Mandelson might lead to scandal. Except for literally everyone who has ever heard of his entire previous career.
DEFENCE OF HYPOCRISY
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence decided to ban Israeli students from enrolling in the Royal College of Defence Studies. A bold moral gesture, or at least it would have been, had HMG not been in the process of rolling out the red carpet, military bands and state dinners for Israel’s only remaining ally and protector. Principles in this ministry appear to operate on a kind of randomised rota: Gaza this week, Goldman Sachs the next. In preparation for the arrival of the Sun-Tanned One HMG also rolled out a mind-bogglingly absurd “nuclear deal” featuring a data centre powered by new mini nuclear reactors in the Midlands. Sounds perfect. What could go wrong?
DISAPPEARING PILLS
On the economic front, Big Pharma sent in a delightful injection of realism: with Merck, AstraZeneca and Eli Lilly announcing that £2 billion of proposed investments in medical research projects in the UK have now been shelved because of the UK”s “hostile environment” for investors. Ministers responded with their usual mix of ungrounded optimism and selective memory: “Look,” they chirped, “Moderna’s still here!” All bodes well for Wes Streeting’s attempt to negotiate even cheaper drug prices for the NHS. Can’t see it myself.
“This whole thing is just a dream”
As if to underline just how little faith remains in the establishment, Conservative MP Freddy Danny Kruger defected to Reform UK on Monday, announcing that the Conservative Party is “over.” Reform’s polling is still rising, fuelled by the sheer number of Britons who now believe that public services just will not listen to them, however desperate their plight.
Only a quarter of the country thinks UK institutions care what ordinary people say. The other three-quarters are googling “How to emigrate to New Zealand” or filling out Reform’s online membership form (just approaching 250,000 as of 15th September.)
The government tried to change the subject by passing the “Hillsborough Law.” On paper this legislation enforces a duty of candour on public officials, provides legal support for bereaved families and sets out criminal penalties for lying to the public. Laudable stuff. However, the irony that this should be announced just as the Prime Minister tried to wriggle out of responsibility for the Mandelson appointment was not lost on anyone. “No-one ever told me!” will presumably be written in as a total and complete defence to any Hillsborough Law offence.
ASSISTING SUICIDE
Elsewhere, the Lords wrangled over the Assisted Dying Suicide Bill, while outside Parliament protesters prepared for a wave of demonstrations against the proscription of Palestine Action. The delusional government, seems to be relying on a curious mix of “we can’t tell anyone why they’re as awful as we say they are” and “painting planes is really, really dangerous” to justify outlawing more aggressive support for Palestine just as they ramp up their determination to recognise a Palestinian state while trying to play nice with the Sun-Tanned One.
COMPETENCE (LACK THEREOF)
What ties this carnival of contradictions together? Incompetence, unfortunately. A government that came to power only 14 months ago promising sober competence is now lurching between scandals, contradictions and photo-ops with the subtlety of a clown falling in to a wedding cake “as a bit of a laugh.” Starmer wanted to be the grown-up in the room, but instead he has become the exasperated dad trying to fix the family Wi-Fi while the house burns down.
Yet, here we are. Britain: weary, cynical, but still fascinated by our own slow-motion crash. The sitcom continues, the punchlines get darker and the audience keeps watching because, deep down, we suspect this might be the only entertainment our politics can now produce.
What a dismal thought. Sorry. Back to jaunty optimism next week. Post-Trump. No, that seems equally unlikely. Roll on next week’s episode.
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